Saturday, November 21, 2009
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I haven't blogged in a while. The truth is, I am in a bad place right now. I feel like it falls on me to take care of everything and everyone. I have to run J to this doc appointment and that doc appointment. I have to take care of the baby because he only says mama so J just hands him to me, whether I am trying to sleep or not. I am fine when we are out, but as soon as we pull into the driveway, I am aggravated, overwhelmed and miserable. We live in a place that I can no longer call home and it sucks. I get a *little* peace when I am in the shower, which is why I have showered quite a bit the last few days. Everything feels like it is spiraling out of control and not just in my life. My latest issue is that I cannot get a job and provide for my family. J had no pants that fit him. Thanks to 2 special friends of ours, he has some pants now. I don't know if they even know how much I appreciate the gesture. Christmas is coming up.. I have always gotten weird/sad around Christmas. I like to give. Yet, I find myself unable to give anything. That is what hurts. From the time I was a teenager and cried outside of a store because I didn't want my mom to spend the money she didn't have on me until now, I have always felt terrible when I couldn't provide my entire family with the Christmas I feel like they deserve. It kills me inside to be unable to spoil the crap out of them and my friends.
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I'm sure those who love you understand the tight spot you are in. My heart breaks for you and I think of you guys often, praying for a solution for you.
ReplyDeleteI found that when I had my first baby, it was the toughest time of my life. No one had prepared me for the rush of emotions and responsibility, and I wasn't even close to the situation you are in. :-/
Hang in there, stay strong - things will get better, I just know it (they have to!). The thought of you guys in a shelter is unbearable.
How 'bout a Christmas retail-type job? Would that help?
I really feel for you, you sound like a very strong person just from reading this. Hang on in there and keep strong.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about Christmas time and not being able to give enough. Your heart is enough and you are teaching great things by not buying things. Christmas should be more about just being together and being grateful to be alive and this is what I would love to teach my little girl growing up.
I really do admire you so please keep strong and I pray for things to get easier for you x
I totally feel for you. Totally. I have AS (undiagnosed) and my son has been diagnosed with it. I went through my life up to 25ish not knowing why I only really had one or two friends and those friends had like 10 or more who weren't my friends. Hard ot explain, but after I found about AS it all kind of clicked. I started to see all of the awkward wierd stuff that I had done all my life and why it might be a turnoff to most people. It was depressing, yet somehow freeing after a while. At least I have a reason for being so wierd now, huh? Anyway, it took me so long to find a job I could stick with for more that 3 months. Walmart. I know, mediocre, but at least I am contributing. I seem to have a talent for organizing things and keeping them organized. Maybe your hubby has something like that. I haven't read all of your blogs, but I probably will check more out in a few. Anyway, I feel like a different person at work. I feel like I am accomplishing something and helping and making $$$ too, so that has really helped my self esteem and depression. Also, my anxiety is somehow less at work than at home or in social situations because I know the "rules of engagement" at work. You can and can not say and do certain things at work, so it is less threatening. If I talk to someone, I know they aren't asking me out or expecting more of a social relationship than I can give (if that makes sense.) I don't know if Walmart (or other retail place) would work for him, but working in the back room is about the best place for the socially inept. I started out there and have worked my way up the social ladder to cashier. (amazing, because I used to have panic attacks and hide when I thought they were coming to ask me to cashier.) So, I went from Backroom to Pets to Housewares/ Hardware/ Paint to Cashier. Like stepping stones. I hope I am not writing too much (this is youur blog after all). Anyway. Hope this helps, if not, just call me an idiot under youur breath and roll your eyes. It happens.
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