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I haven't blogged in a while. The truth is, I am in a bad place right now. I feel like it falls on me to take care of everything and everyone. I have to run J to this doc appointment and that doc appointment. I have to take care of the baby because he only says mama so J just hands him to me, whether I am trying to sleep or not. I am fine when we are out, but as soon as we pull into the driveway, I am aggravated, overwhelmed and miserable. We live in a place that I can no longer call home and it sucks. I get a *little* peace when I am in the shower, which is why I have showered quite a bit the last few days. Everything feels like it is spiraling out of control and not just in my life. My latest issue is that I cannot get a job and provide for my family. J had no pants that fit him. Thanks to 2 special friends of ours, he has some pants now. I don't know if they even know how much I appreciate the gesture. Christmas is coming up.. I have always gotten weird/sad around Christmas. I like to give. Yet, I find myself unable to give anything. That is what hurts. From the time I was a teenager and cried outside of a store because I didn't want my mom to spend the money she didn't have on me until now, I have always felt terrible when I couldn't provide my entire family with the Christmas I feel like they deserve. It kills me inside to be unable to spoil the crap out of them and my friends.

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So, I am still very aggravated and annoyed. I think the part that bugs me most is that I love J so much and it is aggravating to be unable to fix his depression and his aggravation. When I had money (or credit), we were traveling to this convention and that convention and J was happy. Now that we are broke, he is miserable and it is beginning to make me miserable. I am not Super Wife Mommy Woman. I'm just me.. =\ It feels a lot like it is because I am in this place in my life that it makes him unhappy. But, money does not grow on trees so I don't know why he can't give me some slack and consider what he is doing to me whenever he decides something without asking me.

Fed Up

I am getting to the point where I am just fed up. J wants to do everything his way and not take into consideration anyone else's needs or wants. I cannot be the one who is constantly doing everything for him and neglecting myself. He has rearranged my life, my room, my everything and I don't have any control over it. Yet if I want to ignore him for a day, an hour, a shower, I am not being supportive. I am so sick of this. I told him to leave the things I had in the closet in there. He didn't listen. He turns my life upside down and not in a good way. Then I am blamed for any/all of the bad. How dare I want to do something for me. It is getting a lot worse lately and it is really affecting me and my mood. I don't want to be drug down with him. He doesn't want to help himself be a better person so why am I bending over backwards to help him?

The First Doc Appt

The doctor's appointment has come and gone. It was very interesting. Since it is the first time the doctor saw J, he wanted to do his own assessment. I can honestly say that if he did any less, I would be upset. He threw out a possibility of what J might have instead of AS.. "Avoidant Personality Disorder" and Social Phobia. We are reading up on it now. However, many of the readers here, if they are someone with AS or know someone with AS, have had a light go off in their head when they read about AS and think of themselves or the person. Well, AvPD does not make the lights in our head go off. There is so much that just does not fit. When I read about AS, I can pick out specific things that J does that points to AS. I can do this with AvPD but only after pulling it apart and thinking about things in a different way. I cannot get into J's head in order to know what he is thinking or feeling, so I can only say my own observations AND what the literature says about people who are in relationships with aspies. AS just makes the most sense. I can literally read a book about Asperger's Syndrome and nod and say, "Yeah, that is EXACTLY what is going on."

Also, a little note about J's social abilities. Even if he could get over the anxiety (for which he has new medicine for), he lost 35+ years of being unable to socialize properly. So, he doesn't have the proper social skills. This is a long-term rehabilitation that I would like to see happen. I mean, hopefully nothing ever happens to me because I, essentially, take care of J socially, outside of the internet. Plus, our son needs to be able to learn by example in certain social settings. I have to know that they can both be okay. His older kids have been around NTs and people who can socialize, so I am not worried about them with this. I can only work on this with him if he wants to, though.

Tomorrow: Doctor

Tomorrow morning, we finally see a DOCTOR!! We have heard that he has experience with people with AS. I am hoping to get J's depression under control enough for him to function and be happy. I know that being away from his older children is a huge reason he is depressed but it is different. When I need something to happen, I don't become so depressed that I don't want to shower, etc. I go out and grab what I want. It gives me a reason to do this or that. This depression has come around mostly since our "Moving to New England" deadline came and passed while we sat tight in NJ, unable to make the move. We will get there eventually, but to someone who has depression, it seems like the end of the world. And, if he is happy down here and doing things with Jareth, he probably feels guilty on top of the stress of the separation. Well, here's to hoping the doctor can help J feel better in life.