Lonely

So.. here I sit.. alone. It isn't like this is anything new. Yet, I am expected to keep my head up, my mouth shut and pretend that I'm a happy wife. Well, I'm not. J likes to proclaim that he is a great husband and father. If that is the case, why is he so detached?

When we first met, we went to Celebration IV, a Star Wars-themed convention. It was great. From there, we did San Diego Comic Con, Dragon*Con, and a few smaller cons. Everything was great! When we (mainly I) ran out of the funds to go to cons, the problems surfaced. I could no longer keep J happy because he wasn't traveling, getting dressed up, having his picture taken. He turned "back" into the depressed guy he was before he moved in with me.

It has been an extremely tiresome road since then. And, when it comes to Jareth, he likes to tell me he was forced to have him. Since he likes to hold it over my head, I'd really like to clarify. He is referring to the point in our relationship when I told him that I was ready to have children. I made sure that he knew having my own children was a sure thing for me and that if he couldn't handle that, he shouldn't move down. He moved down here anyway. So, when we got to the point in our relationship where I wanted to further the topic, I basically told him that I wanted to be a mother, that he knew this from the beginning, and if he wasn't prepared to have more kids, then he should leave now so I could be on my way, finding a person that I could make a family with. That turned into me strong-arming him into having a baby with me. He would repeatedly tell me that he was going to tell everyone how I forced him to have Jareth because he didn't want to have another baby. Fine.

But, he had a baby with me, didn't he? And since we have had him, I am the one waking up with him at night, changing the majority of his diapers, feeding him about 99% of the time for the first year and bathing the baby solely for the first, what.. 15, 16 months?, doing all the baby's laundry and putting the clothes away. And if I want a break from the crying and have J put him down for a nap or at night, I get "YOU wanted him". Thanks, J.

Fast forward to this summer.. J's older boys are coming down. I was told 3 weeks beforehand by J's mother (whom he doesn't talk to) like it was a sure thing. Oh? Really? I knew it would be me doing all the work.. feeding them, making and enforcing rules, making sure they were properly groomed (at 9, 13 and 16, they don't remember to brush their teeth), and making sure their outfits at least matched. All the while, J says "Ginger says to do this, Ginger says don't do that" because Ginger should be the evil step-mother while J gets to be best buddies. For over a week, J just totally disregarded Jareth. Jareth couldn't watch any of his usual channels/shows. He wasn't getting any of Daddy's attention. So, when I took Jareth upstairs to let him play freely and watch his shows, I was "isolating him from his brothers". J repeatedly told me we are a family. Really? Damn.. could have fooled me!

Since they left, J has continued in his own alienation of Jareth and me. He is totally detached. It was apparent when we went to the playground and J wouldn't participate. When he finally did, his head was so far off that he could have seriously injured Jareth. That was it. We left immediately with me in a bad mood again because J didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing. I feel like I have taken all I could take. J is perfect.. I am the one who needs to "understand AS" the excuse he has for EVERYTHING. I need to change to make him happy but he refuses to do that for me.. He has always been somewhat detached and now I feel like I'm detaching as well. Could I move on and be happy with someone else? Of course I could. I find it easier and easier in my mind to just leave with Jareth and find someone else to spend my life with.

Why haven't I? Well, I have thought about it for a really long time. Believe me. I can say that finances hold us together (even though we really don't have any).. but like a friend of mine was telling me earlier when referring to her own boy trouble.. when we are together, I feel a chemistry there. I guess she isn't ready to just walk away. Normally, I would have told her that she should cut her losses and leave him, but I know how it feels to feel connected to someone and not wanting that connection severed. This feeling of being detached yet so connected is really weird. I really don't want to leave or give up.. I kind of feel like our vacation to Disney World and Universal will make or break us. If we have fun and can once again renew our devotion to each other, we're going to make it through.. If we are miserable with each other while down there, I don't have such an optimistic outlook. It's funny that when I booked it, I put that it was our "Honeymoon" since it will be the first time we went away after our marriage. Maybe it was always meant to bring us back together. All I know is that these tropical storms better back off so I can have fun and show Jareth a great time at Disney! September 7th, you can't come fast enough!