Throwing In The Towel

I am at the end of my rope. My feet are dangling and my toes are scraping the ground. I can let go and walk off at any moment, and I think I want to. Out of everything I have done, going with J to this doctor and that doctor and making the appointments and babying J, etc, he turns around and tells me it is my fault that I have anxiety. Let's not forget that my anxiety would not be so high if I didn't have to cater to him every second or otherwise be told I wasn't supportive or I'm mean or I'm abusive... all the while, he doesn't ever look in the mirror and do self-reflection. I have been driven to the brink of insanity by dealing with him, his kids, his ex and his family. NOT ANY MORE! The only problem is that he won't go anywhere because he doesn't have anywhere to go... so I'm stuck with him until he moves on to suck the life out of someone else.

Lonely

So.. here I sit.. alone. It isn't like this is anything new. Yet, I am expected to keep my head up, my mouth shut and pretend that I'm a happy wife. Well, I'm not. J likes to proclaim that he is a great husband and father. If that is the case, why is he so detached?

When we first met, we went to Celebration IV, a Star Wars-themed convention. It was great. From there, we did San Diego Comic Con, Dragon*Con, and a few smaller cons. Everything was great! When we (mainly I) ran out of the funds to go to cons, the problems surfaced. I could no longer keep J happy because he wasn't traveling, getting dressed up, having his picture taken. He turned "back" into the depressed guy he was before he moved in with me.

It has been an extremely tiresome road since then. And, when it comes to Jareth, he likes to tell me he was forced to have him. Since he likes to hold it over my head, I'd really like to clarify. He is referring to the point in our relationship when I told him that I was ready to have children. I made sure that he knew having my own children was a sure thing for me and that if he couldn't handle that, he shouldn't move down. He moved down here anyway. So, when we got to the point in our relationship where I wanted to further the topic, I basically told him that I wanted to be a mother, that he knew this from the beginning, and if he wasn't prepared to have more kids, then he should leave now so I could be on my way, finding a person that I could make a family with. That turned into me strong-arming him into having a baby with me. He would repeatedly tell me that he was going to tell everyone how I forced him to have Jareth because he didn't want to have another baby. Fine.

But, he had a baby with me, didn't he? And since we have had him, I am the one waking up with him at night, changing the majority of his diapers, feeding him about 99% of the time for the first year and bathing the baby solely for the first, what.. 15, 16 months?, doing all the baby's laundry and putting the clothes away. And if I want a break from the crying and have J put him down for a nap or at night, I get "YOU wanted him". Thanks, J.

Fast forward to this summer.. J's older boys are coming down. I was told 3 weeks beforehand by J's mother (whom he doesn't talk to) like it was a sure thing. Oh? Really? I knew it would be me doing all the work.. feeding them, making and enforcing rules, making sure they were properly groomed (at 9, 13 and 16, they don't remember to brush their teeth), and making sure their outfits at least matched. All the while, J says "Ginger says to do this, Ginger says don't do that" because Ginger should be the evil step-mother while J gets to be best buddies. For over a week, J just totally disregarded Jareth. Jareth couldn't watch any of his usual channels/shows. He wasn't getting any of Daddy's attention. So, when I took Jareth upstairs to let him play freely and watch his shows, I was "isolating him from his brothers". J repeatedly told me we are a family. Really? Damn.. could have fooled me!

Since they left, J has continued in his own alienation of Jareth and me. He is totally detached. It was apparent when we went to the playground and J wouldn't participate. When he finally did, his head was so far off that he could have seriously injured Jareth. That was it. We left immediately with me in a bad mood again because J didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing. I feel like I have taken all I could take. J is perfect.. I am the one who needs to "understand AS" the excuse he has for EVERYTHING. I need to change to make him happy but he refuses to do that for me.. He has always been somewhat detached and now I feel like I'm detaching as well. Could I move on and be happy with someone else? Of course I could. I find it easier and easier in my mind to just leave with Jareth and find someone else to spend my life with.

Why haven't I? Well, I have thought about it for a really long time. Believe me. I can say that finances hold us together (even though we really don't have any).. but like a friend of mine was telling me earlier when referring to her own boy trouble.. when we are together, I feel a chemistry there. I guess she isn't ready to just walk away. Normally, I would have told her that she should cut her losses and leave him, but I know how it feels to feel connected to someone and not wanting that connection severed. This feeling of being detached yet so connected is really weird. I really don't want to leave or give up.. I kind of feel like our vacation to Disney World and Universal will make or break us. If we have fun and can once again renew our devotion to each other, we're going to make it through.. If we are miserable with each other while down there, I don't have such an optimistic outlook. It's funny that when I booked it, I put that it was our "Honeymoon" since it will be the first time we went away after our marriage. Maybe it was always meant to bring us back together. All I know is that these tropical storms better back off so I can have fun and show Jareth a great time at Disney! September 7th, you can't come fast enough!

No News is Good News?

Things have been kind of quiet on the home front. J is getting back into not wanting to leave the house, even to do things we have to do like get the car inspected. My mom and bf moved back in. I think that is what is making things rough. I want to get out more and he wants to stay in. Other than that, we have planted a garden that can occupy our time. I just wish I had a car that was in working condition and a decent job to pay for things we need. It sucks being unemployed and unable to find work anywhere. :(

Better Yesterday, Better Today, Better Tomorrow...

I realized something yesterday morning. My vent really wasn't about the kids, but the parents. I really hate feeling aggravated with the kids, so I decided, I don't have to be. I will just be mad at the parents who made them that way. They don't know any better because they were never taught. Once I realized that, I was once again at peace and could let things roll off my back. I told J that I would just be mad at him and his ex, instead of the kids. Since then, we have been having a much better time together. Today is another fun-filled, busy day. We are going to go to a lighthouse since the kids have never been, then off to a fund-raiser for autism and finally BayFest. I gotta go get ready for the day so Adios!

Step-Motherly Woes

J's three older boys are down for a visit. They have no manners, don't eat properly, don't pay attention to anything and don't seem to care about anything. Well, J likes to tell me that I am the step-mom, so I have to make and enforce all the rules. I made up lists and put them around the house with the rules stated clearly. J made sure to tell the kids that these are my rules, not the house rules. These are not super strict rules, by any means. I don't see a common courtesy of putting the toilet seat down something that will make them all require therapy when they are older. However, the rules are ignored and J ignores the broken rules because the evil step-mother made them up. J makes me out to be the bad guy and tells me I should enforce the rules that he had no part in (even though he did). To this I say, why should I? If the parents don't want to teach them anything like how to eat healthy, how to take care of themselves and about having courtesy and manners, why should it be my responsibility? At this point, I'm thinking that I will also take the "I don't care" approach. If they want to be lazy, fat and ill-mannered, it really doesn't effect me. My son is going to be taught things by me (and probably only me, judging by how much J cares). Why? Because I want to maximize his potential at success in life. I don't want him to have to rely on anyone else. He will be well-mannered, well-equipped and encouraged to strive for the best person he can be. I guess my step-sons' parents won't care until they run into trouble later down the road. I don't think J should expect us to take them in when they are grown and should be able to take care of themselves. I signed up to be a step-mom. I didn't sign up to be a mother, father, grandparent and every other mentor these children should have in their lives but don't. I will not baby these children now or way into their adulthood. If J thinks I should, I guess he should make sure the door doesn't hit him in the arse on the way out.

I would like to add that I feel bad about venting about them. I think they are good kids.. I really do.. but they are not guided into being self-reliant people.. They are stuck at baby-level because they are babied. Anything they have learned has been from school, I am sure. J swears he was the disciplinarian.. but I have serious doubts. I mean, come on.. I learned how to tie my shoes when I was 3-4.. You should have witnessed the shock when we went bowling the first time and they all said they didn't know how to tie their shoes. They were all sitting there waiting for us to tie their shoes!! My jaw dropped. These kids are going to have to be in group homes, on welfare, in section 8 housing because there is no way they are going to be successful in life. It's so sad. It kills me.. but I am only 1 person. I can only do so much and when I have parents and grandparents working against me, I feel like it's a lost-cause. :(

Spontaneity and Touching/Cuddling

I was thinking about last night. I know that a lot of autistic people don't like to be touched or hugged. J LOVES when his back is scratched. However, cuddling is a different story. I was laying down with the baby and thinking how nice it would be for J to just come up and spoon me. He came up to bed and got in his usual spot. He might like being touched (or at least scratched), but he has no patience for cuddling. He can't do it unless it is on his own terms. This may leave the NT spouse feeling a bit lonely and deprived of spontaneous intimacy. It is hard to feel like this, but I know it is not because J doesn't love me or anything. He is loving in his own way... even if it is by blaming me for something that was totally his fault! LOL It adds a bit of humor to our relationship. Aspies exhibit highly different traits and it can boggle the best of minds. I prefer my Aspies to be different because there is no one exactly like they are. While we might miss out on certain aspects in "normal" friendships or relationships, I think what the Aspie brings to the table is a new perspective on life and a new way of being. It's very interesting. While I may want to be cuddled out of the blue and not have to say, "Cuddle with me," I wouldn't trade J for anyone else in the world, as I wouldn't trade my Aspie friends for anyone else. They are all amazing. =]

Things Are Looking Up

I guess my last blog put some things into perspective for J. He has since started spending more time with me and Jareth. We have gone on a few family dates and finally celebrated his birthday. I took him to the drive-in to see Clash of the Titans. We had his favorite cake -- Carvel Ice Cream Cake. We still have our disagreements, but we are getting back on the right track. I can't excuse myself entirely for our troubles, as J brings out the temper in me.. I can't help it. I am, after all, an Italian (even if it is by marriage only LOL). I will work on having more patience, and J will work on spending more time with me.

It's Been A While

So.. it's been a while. Things haven't exactly been peachy.. J went off his medicine and didn't tell me that he was out until it was much too late. Every time he does something like this, it puts another wedge between us. Last night, we had a talk about things. He wonders why I have distanced myself from him. He doesn't see it the way I do. After he stopped going to the doctor (or well.. nurse practitioner who was a complete bitch), he went into a coma and would only focus on his computer. I had to IM him from the same room to talk to him. Even then, he would barely talk to me. At cons, he woke up but I was again, not on his list of priorities. He didn't even notice I wasn't at a con for an entire day. He will ignore the need to eat, pee or shower just to focus on the internet. When I get him to hold the baby, he will snap out of his focus and all of the sudden have to run to do all of the things he ignored while staring at the computer screen.

He probably doesn't understand why I told him that I don't feel like I'm in a relationship with him. I have become bitter, bitchy and neglect myself. It's depressing to live with someone like this. I made him go into the other bedroom. I want my room to myself for a while. I can't just pretend that things are great and that we are in a marriage because it doesn't feel like that to me. Don't get me wrong, I love him. He just needs to stop acting like I am the faulty one here. He needs to stop putting me down and being negative. It brings me down too and that is not healthy. I feel like I can't live without him but if we live together like this much longer, it is going to end and end badly.. =(

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I haven't blogged in a while. The truth is, I am in a bad place right now. I feel like it falls on me to take care of everything and everyone. I have to run J to this doc appointment and that doc appointment. I have to take care of the baby because he only says mama so J just hands him to me, whether I am trying to sleep or not. I am fine when we are out, but as soon as we pull into the driveway, I am aggravated, overwhelmed and miserable. We live in a place that I can no longer call home and it sucks. I get a *little* peace when I am in the shower, which is why I have showered quite a bit the last few days. Everything feels like it is spiraling out of control and not just in my life. My latest issue is that I cannot get a job and provide for my family. J had no pants that fit him. Thanks to 2 special friends of ours, he has some pants now. I don't know if they even know how much I appreciate the gesture. Christmas is coming up.. I have always gotten weird/sad around Christmas. I like to give. Yet, I find myself unable to give anything. That is what hurts. From the time I was a teenager and cried outside of a store because I didn't want my mom to spend the money she didn't have on me until now, I have always felt terrible when I couldn't provide my entire family with the Christmas I feel like they deserve. It kills me inside to be unable to spoil the crap out of them and my friends.

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So, I am still very aggravated and annoyed. I think the part that bugs me most is that I love J so much and it is aggravating to be unable to fix his depression and his aggravation. When I had money (or credit), we were traveling to this convention and that convention and J was happy. Now that we are broke, he is miserable and it is beginning to make me miserable. I am not Super Wife Mommy Woman. I'm just me.. =\ It feels a lot like it is because I am in this place in my life that it makes him unhappy. But, money does not grow on trees so I don't know why he can't give me some slack and consider what he is doing to me whenever he decides something without asking me.

Fed Up

I am getting to the point where I am just fed up. J wants to do everything his way and not take into consideration anyone else's needs or wants. I cannot be the one who is constantly doing everything for him and neglecting myself. He has rearranged my life, my room, my everything and I don't have any control over it. Yet if I want to ignore him for a day, an hour, a shower, I am not being supportive. I am so sick of this. I told him to leave the things I had in the closet in there. He didn't listen. He turns my life upside down and not in a good way. Then I am blamed for any/all of the bad. How dare I want to do something for me. It is getting a lot worse lately and it is really affecting me and my mood. I don't want to be drug down with him. He doesn't want to help himself be a better person so why am I bending over backwards to help him?

The First Doc Appt

The doctor's appointment has come and gone. It was very interesting. Since it is the first time the doctor saw J, he wanted to do his own assessment. I can honestly say that if he did any less, I would be upset. He threw out a possibility of what J might have instead of AS.. "Avoidant Personality Disorder" and Social Phobia. We are reading up on it now. However, many of the readers here, if they are someone with AS or know someone with AS, have had a light go off in their head when they read about AS and think of themselves or the person. Well, AvPD does not make the lights in our head go off. There is so much that just does not fit. When I read about AS, I can pick out specific things that J does that points to AS. I can do this with AvPD but only after pulling it apart and thinking about things in a different way. I cannot get into J's head in order to know what he is thinking or feeling, so I can only say my own observations AND what the literature says about people who are in relationships with aspies. AS just makes the most sense. I can literally read a book about Asperger's Syndrome and nod and say, "Yeah, that is EXACTLY what is going on."

Also, a little note about J's social abilities. Even if he could get over the anxiety (for which he has new medicine for), he lost 35+ years of being unable to socialize properly. So, he doesn't have the proper social skills. This is a long-term rehabilitation that I would like to see happen. I mean, hopefully nothing ever happens to me because I, essentially, take care of J socially, outside of the internet. Plus, our son needs to be able to learn by example in certain social settings. I have to know that they can both be okay. His older kids have been around NTs and people who can socialize, so I am not worried about them with this. I can only work on this with him if he wants to, though.

Tomorrow: Doctor

Tomorrow morning, we finally see a DOCTOR!! We have heard that he has experience with people with AS. I am hoping to get J's depression under control enough for him to function and be happy. I know that being away from his older children is a huge reason he is depressed but it is different. When I need something to happen, I don't become so depressed that I don't want to shower, etc. I go out and grab what I want. It gives me a reason to do this or that. This depression has come around mostly since our "Moving to New England" deadline came and passed while we sat tight in NJ, unable to make the move. We will get there eventually, but to someone who has depression, it seems like the end of the world. And, if he is happy down here and doing things with Jareth, he probably feels guilty on top of the stress of the separation. Well, here's to hoping the doctor can help J feel better in life.

Life Goes On and On and On...

I have not blogged in a little bit. I am not as diligent as my husband is about blogging, even though it was my idea. Anyway, to update you with what is going on with us...

J is seeing a therapist. She is delightful to talk to about what is going on with J. We have hope once again. She has given J a homework assignment, which is to reflect. That means he has to repeat back to me what he thinks I meant, not what I said. He has been doing pretty well so I begin to wonder if I was right about selective listening lol.. now that he has to stop and listen, he understands what I am saying. *accusing stare*

I had a bad day yesterday because I want to be able to support my family but it is so hard to get things going. I can't even get a regular retail job and I have a Bachelor's Degree!! However, after a nice, HOT shower and some dinner, I felt a lot better. Today we went to the regular doctor's office to get J help for his other ailments like his back and his allergies. We have an appointment with the back doctor (not the chiropractor) and will be getting J's blood work done. So, we are in a limbo, but next week, we go see the psychiatrist finally!

That's all for now. =]

The Sun is Rising!

I am trying not to get my hopes up, but it really seems like the therapist we saw the other day understands J and Asperger's Syndrome. I have felt like we got the ball rolling before, but that went NO WHERE! The other people we have seen never really seemed to try to build a trust with us, or they did and it was just superficial. J's new therapist is awesome! She is a fun person to talk to and we can have an actual conversation with her about AS. The nurse practitioner we saw before was reading a paragraph about AS when we were trying to discuss it with her. Anyway, I am hoping we finally found someone (or some two.. the other being the psychiatrist who has had experience with Aspies) that is understanding and genuinely wants to help. YAY!!

Surrounded By Idiots

I thought about something today. An Aspie needs a good support system. He/she needs a person or people to encourage them to pursue whatever he or she wants to pursue. Earlier today, I was discussing J's AS on a forum. It occurred to me that J had a career he wanted to pursue in fashion design. However, his "mom" talked him out of it. Now, he sews costumes. I can't help but wonder if he would be successful in a career of being a fashion (or costume) designer had he been encouraged (and not discouraged) to go after his dream. Now, we will never know. I only wish he had someone with half a brain (or heart for that matter!) for a mother instead of what he wound up with. Then maybe instead of blaming J for not having a career, she would be proud of what he accomplished. At least J is no longer surrounded by idiots and has a real support system now in me and our friends.

We want to go to the zoo!

Who knows what today will bring? I asked Jareth (6 months) if he wanted to go to the zoo and he got all excited and screamed. He doesn't know what the zoo means but he wants to go! LOL... the problem is trying to get J out of the house to go to the zoo. I understand he hates to leave the house but this is one of those things he has to work on. The world does not revolve around J. A parent's world revolves around the child(ren).

Inspiring Outlook

I must say, I really needed to hear something like this..

On facebook,

Vin Diesel

Ten years ago I was a bouncer, a security guard at a nightclub. I can remember articles in New York at the time, boasting that the nightclub was the safest place to be… if only subways, streets, and restaurants had that level of security and protecti...on, that assurance that you could enjoy yourself without worrying about your safety. New York was different then.

“Who you are now, is not who you will be 10 yrs from now… who you will be 10 yrs from now... is up to YOU.”

Thanks, Vin! You have lifted my spirits!

The Uphill Battle with AS, Money and Inadequacy.

My optimism is wavering. I have been trying for months to get a decent job. In this economy, I know that my family is not the only one struggling. However, it does nothing for my confidence. I apply at places that have training programs for college graduates only to get emails saying I did not qualify. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Right. But, anyway, I can't help but feel inadequate. I am supposed to be the bread winner for my family but I can't make any money if no one hires me. I have started to think that going back to school to finish my degree was the wrong move. I truly hope not. All I can think is that if I never went back to school, I'd still be working a low-paying hourly job, but I'd still have money coming in. I know that even if I can find a decent job, I will need to get J back into the doctor's office and make them become advocates for us to get him on disability. I just can't believe that they were the only ones around here that could help and they turned us away last time.

Feeling Like A Single Mom

In many ways, I feel like a single mom. I have 2 kids to take care of (my husband and my son). It is going to be extremely hard with only 1 income, but I am hoping to go back to the doctor and go through a more extensive process of getting J diagnosed with AS. Then, we will be applying for disability once again. I can't do this alone, and the government should not make it so someone who probably has low-functioning Asperger's Syndrome cannot get assistance. It is absolutely ridiculous.